


The Kensington Horror

by LadyMadrigal



Series: The Kensington Tales [6]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental summoning, Chtulhu is a nice guy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Human Aziraphale (Good Omens), Human Crowley (Good Omens), It's the Necronomicon not the Kama Sutra, M/M, The Necronomicon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMadrigal/pseuds/LadyMadrigal
Summary: In which that ancient, mysterious book isn't what Maddy Baker's cousin thinks it is.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: The Kensington Tales [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941532
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	The Kensington Horror

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of a story I wrote for the old Queen fanfic group. It's more of a standalone than an actual part of the Kensington Tales.
> 
> It's also completely ridiculous, but still one of my favorites. 
> 
> Maddy's budgie and hamster were mine. I still miss my little Freddie girl. She ruled the house with an iron feather for ten years.

“WHOAMAMA!!!!!!!!!” The voice belonged to a chunky dude in a t-shirt proclaiming BIG BEEFY MAN and tan painter’s pants that had been considerably more flattering several sizes ago. “They do nekkid stuff!”

"God and Goddess----” his reluctant companion, a cute and slightly plump young woman with a mass of dark curls, sighed. “Carlton, cut it out. For one thing, the correct term is skyclad, not naked---” With her Southern accent, it came out closer to “nekkid,” though. “---- and more importantly, it isn‘t what you think.” 

Carlton wasn’t listening, as usual. “Whoamama! Party on NEKKID!”

“Mannnnn…” Maddy sighed, giving up entirely. Once upon a time Witches had faced the threat of public execution for practicing the Craft. Now it was public humiliation - at the hands of her own cousin, nonetheless. He was now dancing around the Mystic Grove playing bad air guitar. She sighed, rolled her eyes and went back to looking at quartz crystals.

“Hey Maddy, what’s ----” Aziraphale Pratchett paused, frowning at a small bottle labeled Ylang-Ylang Essential Oil. “Why-lang why-lang?” Like Maddy, he was cute and somewhat plump, with a mop of white-blonde curls caught up in a little ponytail – sheep’s tail, really - at the nape of his neck and big expressive blue eyes. Between his sweet looks and his rather anachronistic style of dress, he looked like a young angel who hadn’t figured it that it wasn’t the Victorian era anymore. 

“Lang-Lang,” she corrected. “The “Y” is silent. It’s a tropical flower. It’s really nice.” She took another bottle from the display and handed it to him. “Here’s the tester.”

He sniffed. “Mmmm. That is nice. What do you use it for?”

“Love spells, mostly,” she replied, looking through bottles for sage and lavender.

“Let me?” His fiancé, Crowley Deveraux-Gordon, took the bottle to sniff. “Ooh. I like this.” He recapped the tester and leaned over to kiss Aziraphale’s cheek. “Like a spell could make me love you any more than I do. My beautiful angel.” They had been friends for two years, lovers for close to one of those years and engaged for seven months – and sometimes he still couldn’t believe that this adorable angel was actually his. 

Aziraphale looked up shyly into Crowley’s warm amber eyes. If, last year at this time, someone had told him this man would be looking at him with this much love and saying those words to him, he would have laughed. Well, actually he would have pretended to laugh before hiding somewhere to cry, but he wouldn’t have believed it. Crowley was almost his opposite number – tall, slim and darkly handsome (in Aziraphale’s opinion,) with long wavy red hair partially restrained in a funny little bun and those striking amber eyes. He was also a sweet, scatterbrained dork who played guitar but so far had failed rather spectacularly in getting anywhere with his own band – and one of the biggest romantics on the planet. In other words, the sort of guy that guys like Aziraphale Pratchett fell in love with, only to never have their feelings returned. Except when they were. 

“I don’t think he would have needed to. All he had to do was make big blue eyes at you and you were history,” Maddy said with a smile. Aziraphale was one of her best friends. He’d escaped first an abusive home then an abusive relationship, finally ending up with someone who absolutely adored and cherished him. 

“Darlings, look! It’s Bilbo Baggins’ little sword!” Freddie Mercury, Crowley’s cousin-in-law, exclaimed. He was holding up a beautifully made double-bladed ceremonial knife. “Isn’t it exquisite?!”

“It’s called an athame,” Maddy told him. She pronounced it to rhyme with “sammy.”

“It isn’t sharp, dear,” he said.

“It’s not supposed to be,” she pointed out.

Freddie admired it - or perhaps his reflection in it - for a moment more. “Does it turn blue in the presence of Orcs, dear?”

“Whoamama! What’s this?! Yeah! Rock on! Party!” Carlton was eagerly - almost too eagerly - leafing through a book. 

“Carlton, what are you reading?” Maddy said 

Freddie looked at her. “Reading is perhaps assuming a bit too much, dear. I think he’s just looking at the naughty pictures.”

“All right!” Carlton enthused.

“What do you have?” Maddy sighed, thinking this would be good training for when she and her fiancé Brian May had children, although she hoped theirs would behave better. She let out a squeak when she saw the book. “God and Goddess, Carlton, put that down!”

“What is it?” he inquired.

“Carlton, stop it. You don’t want to mess with that book,” Maddy said, taking it out of his hands. He started to grab it back but Crowley intervened, taking the book and holding it out of Carlton’s reach. He was six-one to Carlton’s five-seven. 

“Stop it, Carlton,” he said. “Behave.”

"Look, darlings! It turns blue in the presence of stupidity!” Freddie still had the athame. 

“Now don’t you start---” Crowley warned his cousin-in-law, trying, and failing, to keep a straight face. He looked at the book he now held. “What _is_ this?” It did look nasty. It had a leatherbound black cover with a strange symbol over the title. “Necro--Necronomicon?”

“Yeah, it means nasty nekkid stuff!” Carlton made another grab for the book 

Freddie let out a startled squeak and nearly dropped the athame. “The---the what?! Are you serious?!”

Crowley showed him the cover of the book. “You know about it?”

The singer had put his free hand over his mouth, unconsciously holding up the athame in a protective gesture. “Dear, put that down. Get rid of it.”

“It is nasty stuff! Lemme see!” Carlton made another grab for it, but Crowley easily held it out of reach.

Maddy reached up. “Crowley, let me see for a sec?” 

He handed her the book. Carlton moped, but knew better than to try to take it away from his cousin. Maddy had never had any qualms about kicking his butt when necessary. 

“It’s the John Dee translation,” she said after a moment. “And Freddie’s right. You do not want to mess with it.” She put the book back on the shelf. “Come on, guys. I have what I need.” She looked at the athame Freddie still held. “That is nice, though.” It was a silver blade with an ebony handle set on each side with a moonstone. It was also more than she could afford. 

Freddie smiled. “If I can find Phoebe and my credit card, it’s yours, dear.”

She blushed. “Freddie---”

“Now now, none of that. I’ve made up my mind, dear, don't confuse me with the facts. Phoebe, darling?” He looked around. 

~*~

“By the way, Mad, what was the deal with that book?” Crowley was asking later. They were over at Tianna and Freddie’s place, sitting around the living room, talking. Aziraphale was in his usual spot, sitting curled up on the floor with his head resting on Crowley’s leg. Crowley was playing with his soft blonde curls as he spoke. 

“Book?” She looked at him. 

“At Mystic Grove. The one you told him to leave alone.” Crowley looked down at Aziraphale. “You okay, angel?”

Aziraphale nodded. Even around his friends, he was shy and rarely spoke.

“That book is nothing but trouble, darling,” Freddie said, coming in. “You don’t want to know.”

Maddy looked at Crowley. “The Necronomicon was written by a man named Abdoul Al-Hazared. He was --- “ She looked at Freddie. “Was he a student of Zoroaster or a follower?”

“I don’t know, dear. I’ve heard it both ways,” Freddie replied, sitting down. “I know he broke with Zoroaster over the idea of absolute good versus absolute evil. Al-Hazared didn’t believe it existed. He believed nothing was absolute.”

Maddy looked back at Crowley and Aziraphale. “At any rate, he eventually broke with Zoroaster and went on to write that book. In it he talks about beings from out of space and time he calls the Great Elder Gods who he claims once ruled the universe and will rise up to rule again when, as he puts it, “the moon and starts shall come to their right houses again.”

“That sounds like what Grandpa Seymour told us about that time,” Crowley said, looking at Tianna. “What did he call it? Something weird.”

Freddie’s wife (and Crowley’s cousin) Tianna, who’d been watching their new baby Jada make short work of a bottle, looked around. “Isn’t that the Cthulhu cult?” She pronounced the odd name “Kuh-THOO-loo.”

“The what?” Aziraphale was completely lost. He had grown up in a household ruled by a religious maniac, but had only been exposed to a twisted version of Christianity that Christ himself would have been appalled at. 

Tianna put a towel over her shoulder and arranged the baby, then started patting her little back. “It was something that happened back in New Orleans in the 1920s. A group of about twenty or thirty people were arrested after police were called about a disturbance that turned out to be some sort of ritual. Among the things they uncovered was a small statue of something kind of like an octopus, but with hundreds of tentacles and just a really strange kind of look about it. There were letters on the bottom of it - C-T-H-U-L-H-U. The lead investigator, a man named John LeGrasse, called my grandfather for help because he had no idea what he was up against. My grandfather was familiar with it because he’d met up with a couple of other groups back in Jamaica who worshipped this --- entity. Cthulhu.”

“Didn’t something happen around Antarctica about that time?” Maddy asked.

“There was a shipwreck where the men told wild tales of something rising out of the  
ocean, and of course the polar expedition where three men came back completely insane and the other two wouldn’t talk about it,” Tianna remembered. 

“Was your grandfather a minister?” Aziraphale finally said. 

“He’s a retired signpainter. He was also one of the most powerful voodoo priests in the islands,” Tianna replied, then looked around at the baby. “Hey munchkin, are you going to burp or what here?”

“I promise you he isn’t scary. And he’s nothing like those horrid people who raised you,” Crowley said to Aziraphale, who was looking at him, wide-eyed. 

~*~

_He was wandering the streets of some unnamed and unnameable city, with great towering blocks and monoliths looming above him, all dripping with some sort of green ooze like algae or seaweed. The gray-black basaltic stone was covered with strange hieroglyphics, frighteningly unreadable. A stench of the ages, of seawater and ancient decay hung in the air, mixed with something alien, something sharp and fishy and not smelling like fish at all. He paused, looking around. From somewhere underneath came a chant, of words but not of words.... “Cthulhu fhtagn......R’lyeh.....Chtulhu fhtagn....”_

Crowley awoke with a violent start and sat up, hands pressed to his chest, heart pounding. It took a moment for him to remember where he was. He shuddered. The dream didn’t seem like it should have been scary, but there had been such a feeling of foreboding, as though it wasn’t a dream at all, but a vision......the worst part was, this was hardly the first time. He’d been having this dream for the better part of two weeks, Most nights, he managed to not wake Aziraphale up. This wasn’t one of those nights. 

“Dove?” Aziraphale looked up sleepily, then sat up, alarmed. “Are you all right?”

“I just had that dream again,” Crowley said shakily. 

“The one about the city?” Aziraphale pushed the pillows back against the headboard and sat back, pulling Crowley into his arms. 

Crowley nodded, leaning against him, still trembling. “Only this time I heard voices in it. Chanting or something.”

“What were they saying?” Aziraphale said.

“I don’t know. I’m not even sure it was a language. But it sounded like that thing Tianna was talking about earlier----” He shivered and nestled closer. “Maybe I shouldn’t eat curry chicken before bed, huh?”

Aziraphale ran his fingers through his fiancé’s russet curls. “That almost didn’t count as curry anything. I think they forgot to put the seasoning in.” He kissed the top of Crowley’s head. “I’ll make it for us next time and it’ll actually taste like curry chicken.”

“I swear I don’t deserve you, angel,” Crowley said. Aziraphale loved to cook, to the point of surprising Crowley with a rather elaborate breakfast after they finally made it out of bed following their first time together. At first Crowley had felt guilty, until Maddy had pointed out that it was one of Aziraphale’s ways of saying he loved you. 

Which only made the way he’d done it to try to appease his abusive ex even sadder. But Crowley wasn’t going to dwell on that. Not now. Not here, in their flat, in their bed and in his angel’s arms. 

“You deserve a lot more than me, but you’re kind of stuck with me at this point,” Aziraphale said. 

Crowley kissed him. “I love you, angel.”

“Love you, dove.” Aziraphale returned the kiss, thinking that he needed to ask Maddy if there was anything that might alleviate his fiancé’s nightmares. Maybe lavender?

~*~

“And look at this one, darling! It has a pretty fishy on it! See?” Freddie held up a stamp with tweezers for Jada to admire, then carefully mounted it in an album. “And look at this pretty fishy, darling. It’s prettier than the last pretty fishy. But the pretty fishies aren’t as pretty as my pretty little kitten.” He kissed the baby’s nose. It was about nine-forty-five the next morning. He was sitting at the kitchen table in their Kensington flat, with a stamp album and damp sponge. Jada was on the table in her little baby carrier, watching everything with large solemn dark eyes. 

“Hey, Farroukhster?” Tianna came into the kitchen with a handful of envelopes almost ready to mail. “Have you seen the roll of stamps I ---- hey, what are you doing!? I just bought those!” At least it answered the question of where they’d gotten to. 

“They’re the new ones, darling. First issue,” he pointed out, carefully mounting the second pretty fishy stamp in his book. “And I do wish you’d buy sheets, not rolls.”

Tianna started to ask if she could have the rest of the roll back, but realized the futility of it and gave up with a sigh. It was her fault for encouraging him, she supposed. Years ago, when she’d first been trying to impress then-art student Freddie Bulsara, she’d bribed her sister into sending her books of uncanceled US stamps. Oh well. Maybe Jim Beach would be a love and let her borrow his postage machine.

“By the way, darling, Jada wants to be a princess for Halloween,” Freddie informed her.

Tianna had to laugh. She put the mail down and picked the baby up. “Is your father getting a little bit ahead of himself, babe?” In the hospital, Jer Bulsara had taken one look at her granddaughter and exclaimed, “She looks just like Fari!” (meaning Freddie, of course.) Even after seeing some baby pictures (much to Freddie’s embarrassment,) Tianna still wasn’t convinced. Then again, all newborns looked alike to her - cute pink formless blobs that smelled like baby powder. “Want to come with me and see if Jim will let us borrow his stamp machine?” She started out the door, then looked at Freddie. “Are you okay after last night?” He and Opal had been awakened by a nightmare that sounded eerily similar. They had both dreamed a city made of black stone that seemed to be underwater, or at the very least subterranean, and of hearing strange chanting that they’d both said was “words but not words.” Neither of them had been able to make any of it out. 

“I’m fine, dear. Too much curry powder,” he said with a wan smile. “Was Opal all right?” He’d slept right through her leaving for school. 

“Fine. Absolutely fine,” Tianna replied with a smile, kissing him quickly on the mouth. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

~*~ 

“Hello, Beach, Lockwood and McCallister?” Carla Garrison, who had rejoined the firm as a temp in her old capacity of office assistant, was reluctantly answering the phone. “Just one moment. Maddy? There’s a woman named Hamburger on the phone for you.”

Maddy, who was actually about three feet away plugging in the copier that Housekeeping had unplugged to plug in the vacuum cleaner, looked around. “What?”

“Hamburger. I believe that’s what she said,” Carla replied, in a tone that suggested she really wasn’t trying to get it correct. 

“Oh,” Maddy sighed, going back to her desk and picking up her line. She knew who it was now. “Amber?” She frowned. “Carla, you have to put her on hold so I can pick up.” Jim was going to rue the day he’d had this snazzy new phone system installed. Anything with more than one button was a bit beyond Carla’s grasp. 

Carla promptly disconnected the call. “There.”

“Uh, Carla?” That was Holly. “See that little button marked “HOLD?” The one they made bright yellow so it’s easy to find? That’s the one you use to put someone on hold. You don’t push the button for your line again. That hangs up.” It was only about the fifteenth time since day before yesterday, when the new system had gone live, so to speak, that someone had tried to explain it. 

“These newfangled systems are entirely too complex. What happened to doing things the _proper_ way?” Carla huffed. 

Holly looked over at Maddy, who was trying to dial the caller back. “Hamburger?” 

Maddy shook her head. “Amber. Deana? It’s Maddy. Is Amber there? Darn, then where did she - never mind--” She hung up and grabbed the other line before Carla or Vikki could. “Beach Lockwood and McCallister, this is Maddy - hi Amber. Sorry about that.”

Holly looked at Carla. “How on earth do you get “Hamburger” out of “Amber?”

Before Carla could try to explain that one, the front door opened onto Tianna Mercury, laden down with a diaper bag and a baby sling with a loose strap. Crowley was behind her, carrying Jada. 

“Baby’s first wardrobe malfunction,” she deadpanned, holding up the sling. 

“That’s what you get for buying cheap Chinese goods,” Carla said. 

“One, this was hardly cheap. And two, what does that have to do with the fact that I didn’t secure the strap through the D-ring properly?” Tianna said, then looked at Crowley. “And you’re right, we should have brought the pushchair.”

“Look at her. Running around with a man who isn’t her husband. If you can call that a man,” Carla whispered, not-so _sotto voce,_ to Aziraphale. She shook her head. “Shameful.”

“He’s her cousin,” Aziraphale said mildly, not letting his irritation show. Seven trillion nerves in the human body, according to Wikipedia, and Carla had already managed to get on 6,999,999,999,999 of them. 

“That’s what she’d like you to think. I know _those _kind of people,” Carla sniffed. “Who is she, anyway?”__

____

__“I’m Tianna Mercury. Freddie’s wife.” Tianna was doing a better-than-usual job of controlling her notoriously mercurial temper. “And yes, he’s is my cousin. His mom and mine are sisters.”  
_ _

“Hey there, adorable.” Crowley leaned on the low wall around the secretarial bay and Aziraphale stood up to give him a kiss hello. 

"Hey handsome,” he said, then looked around at Carla, whose shocked expression was pure comedy gold. “Carla, this is my fiancé and Tianna’s cousin, Crowley Deveraux-Gordon.”

Carla started to say something, then thought the better of it.

Hey, everyone! Look what I got!” Carlton Norman exclaimed, coming in holding a box over his head. “An oohnjowa board!” 

“Wait. A what?” Tianna said, bewildered. 

An Oohnjowa board. You know, like you can talk to dead people and all with!” 

"It’s pronounced Wee-gee,” Crowley said, then looked at Jada, who was regarding him with big solemn brown eyes. “You knew that, didn’t you?” 

Tianna booped Jada’s little nose. “Remember those funny things your father was putting in that book? Well, I actually bought those to mail these with. You see, you have to stamp something before you can mail it.” She held up a bunch of envelopes. 

“What happened?” Jim said, coming out of the breakroom to see who Tianna was talking to. “Oh, it’s the new arrival!” 

“In the flesh. And the Pampers,” Tianna said as Crowley held out the baby for Jim to admire. “And remember that roll of stamps I bought? Freddie put them all in an album on me. That’s what I get for marrying a phulapatrappist.” 

Jim burst out laughing. He’d lost envelopes many times to the unlikely stamp enthusiast. (“Freddie, let me keep the envelope, okay? I need the address----”) 

Marrying a what?” Aziraphale looked around. He loved his job. There was, as the saying went, never a dull moment. 

"Phillipatatist. You know, stamp collector,” Tianna replied, not at all fazed by her complete inability to pronounce “philatelist.” 

Philippa---” Aziraphale looked at Maddy. “Although that’s not as bad Crowley trying to say _bouillabaisse_.” The funniest part was that he hadn’t even been drunk. 

"That’s nothing. Try to get him to say “aardvark” with that Scottish accent of his,” Maddy said. 

“Oh no you don’t. I’m not falling for that again,” Crowley said with a laugh. “And if you think that’s embarrassing, my ex-boyfriend got that weird fancy word for blowjob mixed up with the Italian word for ice cream.” 

Tianna looked around. “That was in Cristoforo’s, wasn’t it? I remember some jerk very snottily asking the waiter for plain vanilla fellatio. Freddie nearly snorted linguini out his nose.” >

Carla looked like a woman who’d just opened a bag of dog poop. 

“Luc? The one who got arrested over his nightclub breaking quarantine?” Jim said.

Crowley nodded. “They shut him down. Permanently. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” 

“It’s gelato, isn’t it? The ice cream, I mean,” Maddy added quickly. 

“Yeah, babe. And I am not going to get into what plain vanilla fellatio is,” Tianna added. “ _Mon Dieu_ , speaking of Freddie, he and Opal both had the worst nightmares last night. Simultaneously.” 

Aziraphale looked around. “Really?”

Tianna nodded. “Something about being in a city made of gray and black stone blocks and hearing this weird chanting. It freaked them both out pretty badly. I thought---” 

"Crowley had the same dream!” Aziraphale exclaimed, inadvertently interrupting Tianna. 

Tianna looked at her cousin. “The same dream? Absolutely the same?” 

“Pretty much. But Tigi, this has been going on for over a week now. I’ve been having the same dream. Only in this one I was able to make out what they were chanting - at least part of it.” 

Tianna looked at him. “What were they saying?" 

“Something about Cthulhu,” Aziraphale replied. “Cthulhu and ---- Relyah?” Over breakfast, Crowley had told him more of the dream. Aziraphale had tried to write some of what he’d said down on a paper towel. “Cthulhu fuh-tagen? Something like that. And Relyah.” 

“That,” Crowley said. 

Tianna put her free hand over her mouth, then said between her fingers. “I think we’d better go have a look at that Necronomicon. Jim!” She turned to yell over her shoulder. “I’m going to borrow your and Eliza’s secretaries for an hour or so!” 

“Go ahead,” Jim replied with a laugh. They were accustomed to such things. 

~*~ 

However, back in the Mystic Grove, they made a rude discovery. 

“Someone bought the book this morning,” Deana told them. 

__“Who?” Tianna said, looking nervous._ _

__“I don’t know. Pete was in here at the time, and he took off until after next week,” the other girl replied._ _

__Aziraphale looked at Tianna. “Now what?”_ _

__Tianna thought for a moment. “I have to call home for this one, babe. Hopefully my dad can find the info I need.” She thought about it for a moment, then looked at Maddy, her milk-chocolate eyes thoughtful. “I wonder if Brian could get hold of a star chart from 1925?”_ _

__~*~_ _

__About four that afternoon, Freddie Mercury made a grand entrance with little Jada, who was bedecked in a bright yellow dress trimmed with glittery lace, complete with a matching bow attached to a headband. The latter would have been a little less comical had the baby had any appreciable hair._ _

__“Daaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr - lings!” he trilled. “We’re here!”_ _

__“Is that Jada?” Ned Lockwood said, coming in. “She’s adorable.”_ _

__“Well, of course she is, dear. She takes after her father,” Freddie replied, touching the tip of his nose to the baby’s. “Why she even has my nose --- AAAH!” He let out a startled operatic yell as Jada grabbed his nose - hard._ _

__“Why yes, I believe she does,” Ned chuckled._ _

__“Ow. Kitten, please. You have a grip of iron,” Freddie said, gently disentangling himself from the baby’s grasp. Ned shook his head with a laugh, then went to get his phone._ _

__Freddie leaned against the low wall in front of Aziraphale’s desk. “What an afternoon, darling. I still haven’t decided if it was good or bad.”_ _

__“What happened?” Aziraphale said, giving Jada a wave and a cute funny face. “Hi, baby.”_ _

__Freddie set the baby down and refluffed her bow. “Well, first I ran into Mary while I was shopping with little Jada here. Darling, I’m perfectly willing to be civil, don’t get me wrong, but she simply insists on being nasty. She even suggested that Jada might well not be mine.” Considering that the baby had Freddie’s huge, deep brown almond eyes, that accusation was more than slightly ludicrous. “Then, after I finally got away from her, who do I run into but an old boyfriend? It left me wondering what I ever did see in him. Well, he is attractive, I mean --- broad shoulders, killer abs, the most incredible mustache you can imagine, a dick like the world’s longest beer can---”_ _

__“Just a little too much information, Freddie,” Maddy sighed, looking around._ _

__“Well, darling, he does. It must be at least six inches around. With balls like Zira’s little squeezypoo thingy there.” He meant a stress ball with the Black Sheep Coffee logo on it._ _

__Aziraphale picked it up, making a face. “Gee, thanks for putting that image in my head.” Jada reached for it and he offered her a finger to grab instead, not trusting the squeeze ball to be child safe._ _

__“Just gorgeous, dear. But nothing whatsoever going on above the shoulders,” Freddie sighed. “He was with this horrid slab of Lancashire beef, too, and all I could think was that I was just so glad to be away from that scene. Well, I shouldn’t say that entirely. I do miss the excitement sometimes. The thrill of the chase and all, so to speak. But I could never have had with any of them what I have with Tigi. Never in a million --- “ He trailed off with a horrified squeak as he caught sight of his reflection in the glass of Jim’s office door. “Darling, don’t tell me I’ve been about looking like this! Why didn’t you warn me the dreaded curlies were back?!”_ _

__“What curlies?” Maddy said, watching Freddie try frantically to smooth down his charmingly ruffled locks with his free hand. “Freddie, stop it. You look fine.”_ _

__They both looked around as the main door opened again. It turned out to be Brian._ _

__“Hey, pretty baby,” he said, kissing Maddy hello. “I got those charts Tigi wanted, but I don’t think they’re going to be a lot of help. Oh, and, by the way------”_ _

__“Charts, darling?” Freddie came over, looking curious. “What sort of---?” He was interrupted when Jada started crying. “What’s wrong, kitten? Did I wake you? Do you want your dinner? Or is it---” He trailed off. “Uh-oh.”_ _

__“What? You haven’t figured out nappies yet?” Brian teased._ _

__Freddie stuck his tongue out at the guitarist. “For you information, darling, you’re looking at the world’s ultimate quick-change artist. It’s just that the bloody mens’ room doesn’t have a level surface to set a baby on.”_ _

__“Use the ladies’. It’s got a change table,” Maddy said. “I’ll guard the door.”_ _

__~*~_ _

__She wound up following him in, sure that he was going to need her help - badly. To her amazement, he actually knew what he was doing._ _

__“Just wet, darling,” he said, sounding a bit relieved. Nonetheless, he used several baby wipes, followed by baby lotion, oil, and a very thick layer of diaper ointment. Very thick._ _

__“Freddie, isn’t that overkill?” Maddy said. “It’s going to soak through the diaper if you’re not careful.”_ _

__“We don’t want a rash, darling,” he told her, adding a bit more, just to be safe. “Oh dear. I hope we have more of this at home.”_ _

__Maddy didn’t point out that it looked like it had been a new tube before he got through with it. At least he was trying._ _

__“Maddy, darling, don’t these come in any other colors?” he said, holding up a diaper. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with white, don’t get me wrong, but she’s not wearing white. And they show. It’s just so ---- déclassé.”_ _

__“You’re asking the wrong person,” she said with a laugh._ _

__Freddie smiled at her. “Aren’t you and Brimi going to have kittens of your own someday?”_ _

__“Well, yeah, but not now,” she said softly._ _

__He gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Brian is going to be a perfectly wonderful father, dear. Don’t worry about that. We’re not all like that horrid ex-thingy of yours.” He paused, then picked the newly rediapered Jada up. “I never did think of being a father until I met Tigi and Opal. Tigi’s little fledgling was four at the time, and they’d just come over from the States. Roger and I used to watch her while Tianna was in class. She was the only one who could change the cash register tape and get it to work on the first try.” He fingered the baby’s bow. “Opal thought I was her father. She thought that Tigi had brought her all the way to London so we could be together. I hated to have to tell her I wasn’t, because it meant so much to her, but I told her I wished I was. When I said it, I realized I actually, truly meant it. I think I was more surprised than anyon---ow!” He let out a startled yelp as Jada grabbed a lock of hair and tugged. “Ouchiepoo. Kitten, please. It’s attached to something on the other end.” He carefully disentangled his hair from the baby’s fist. “Dear, with a grip like that, you’ll be an expert ---- expert---- expert something.”_ _

__~*~_ _

__As they were coming out, they ran right into Tianna._ _

__“Hey, _amis,_ ” she said, completely unfazed at the sight of her husband coming out of the ladies’ room with Brian’s fiancé. _ _

__Before either of them could say anything, Brian poked his head out. “Took you two long enough in there,” he said, then, “Oh. Hi, Tigi.”_ _

__Tianna burst out laughing. “Nice try, but I only worry when this one comes out of the men’s room looking all primed.”_ _

__Freddie laughed. “Look, kitten. All changed and clean for your mum!” he said to the baby, before leaning over to kiss Tianna softly on the mouth. “Hello, darling.”_ _

__“You changed her? You sweet thing, you---” Tianna took the baby, then winced as her hand encountered something warm and sticky oozing out from under the diaper. “Uh-oh---” She cautiously looked at her hand and found her fingers covered in a gooey white substance. It took her a moment to figure out what it was. “Freddie, how much of this stuff did you use?”_ _

__“Now we don’t want to risk a rash, darling,” he pointed out. “By the way, do we have another tube at home?”_ _

__“Freddie, that was a new tube,” Tianna started, then gave up and kissed his nose. At least he was trying. And at least it hadn’t been what she thought for a second._ _

__“Bri, did you get those star charts for me?” she asked._ _

__He nodded. “Do I dare ask what you needed them for?”_ _

__“I need to know if they’re identical,” she replied._ _

__“If they’re ----- “ He looked at her. “Does this have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?”_ _

__“It might,” she admitted._ _

Brian started to ask her if she really believed all that was true, but stopped. Before he’d met Maddy, he would never have thought that a quartz crystal, a blue candle and a few strategically chosen words could have cured a migraine. 

~*~ 

Later, back at Maddy’s place, Brian had the two charts spread out side-by-side on the floor. 

“This is going to get us nowhere,” he concluded. “They’re completely different.” 

Tianna was looking at a sheaf of papers she’d had her dad fax over to Jim’s office. Aziraphale looked over her shoulder. 

_“....the statuette, idol, fetish or whatever it was had been captured some months earlier in the wooded swamps south of New Orleans during a raid on a supposed voodoo meeting; and so singular and hideous were the rites connected with it, that the police could not but realize that they had stumbled onto a dark cult totally unknown to them, and infinitely more diabolic than even the blackest of voodoo circles. On its origin, apart from the erratic and unbelievable tales told by the captured members, nothing was discovered.......no recognized school of sculpture had animated this terrible object, yet centuries and even thousands of years seemed recorded in its’ dim and greenish surface of implacable stone. The figure.....was between seven and eight inches in height, and of exquisite artistic workmanship. It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with indecipherable characters. The tips of the wings touched the back edge of the block, the seat occupied the center, whilst the long, curving claws of the doubled-up, crouching hind legs gripped the front edge and extended a quarter of the way down toward the bottom of the pedestal. The cephalopod head was bent forward, so that the ends of the facial feelers brushed the backs of huge forepaws which clasped the croucher’s elevated knees. The aspect of the whole was abnormally lifelike, and the more subtly fearful because its source was so totally unknown. Its vast, awesome and incalculable age was unmistakable, yet not one link did it show with any type of art belonging to civilization’s youth - or indeed any other time......_

_“....they worshipped, they said, the Great Old Ones, who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to the young world out of the sky. These Old Ones were gone now, inside the earth and under the sea, but their dead bodies had told their secret in dreams to the first man, who formed a cult which had never died. This was the cult, and the prisoners said it had always existed and would always exist, hidden in distant wastes and dark places all over the world until the time when the Great Priest Cthulhu, from his dark house in the mighty city of R’leyh under the waters, should rise and bring the earth again under his sway. Some day he would call, when the stars were ready, and the secret cult would always be waiting to liberate him._

_“Meanwhile, no more must be told. There was a secret which not even torture could extract. Mankind was not absolutely alone among the conscious things of earth, for shapes came out of the dark to visit the faithful few. But these were not the Great Old Ones. No man had ever seen the Old Ones. Their carven idol was great Cthulhu, but none might say whether or not the others were precisely like him. No one could read the old writing now, but things were told by word of mouth. The chanted ritual was not the secret - that was never spoken aloud, only whispered. The chant, “Ph-nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” meant only this: “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”_

_“Only two of the prisoners were found sane enough to be hanged, and the others were committed to various institutions. All denied a part in the ritual murders, and averred the killing had been done by Black-Winged Ones which had come to them from their immemorial meeting-place in the haunted wood. But of these mysterious allies no account could ever be gained. What police did extract came mainly from an immensely aged man named Castro, who claimed to have sailed to strange ports and talked with undying leaders of the cult in the mountains of China._

 _“Old Castro remembered bits of hideous legend that paled the speculations of theosophists and made men and the world seem recent and transient indeed. Here had been eons when other Things ruled on the earth, and They had had great cities.....these Great Old Ones were not composed altogether of flesh and blood. They had shape, but that shape was not made of matter. When the stars were right they could plunge from world to world through the sky, but when the starts were wrong They could not live. But although They no longer lived, They could never really die.....”_

“I was wrong. The first year was 1907,” Tianna was saying. 

"Maybe this would be easier if I had a chart from then, too---” Brian mused. 

“Maddy, dear, may I use your phone?” Freddie said. “I might be able to clear all this up.” 

“Go ahead,” she said. She was in the process of lighting an incense cone. 

He looked over her shoulder. “What are you doing, darling?” 

“Dedicating the athame you bought me,” she replied. 

Ah.” He fetched the phone off the table and punched in the number. “Hello? Kash? Put mommy on, will you?” There was a pause, then, “Mommy? It’s Fari---” He went on, speaking in whatever Arabic dialect he used with his parents. 

“His mom is such a cutie,” Tianna said, more to Jada than Brian, who was watching Maddy. “I don’t think his dad likes me all that much, though.” 

Aziraphale had sat back down on the little sofa with Crowley, who was peering in the hamster cage on the coffee table. 

“Hey Mad, where’s the furball?” he said. 

“He’s in there somewhere,” she said, looking around quickly. 

A moment later, a small pink nose appeared amid briefly amid a pile of bedding, before deciding nothing interesting – or edible – was going on and withdrawing. Behind them, Maddy’s budgie was quietly preening, carefully working through her tail feathers. After arranging them to her satisfaction, she shook her feathers out with a final fluff, tucked a foot up and regarded them in mild, fluffy-faced interest. 

“That is the cutest thing when she had her little cheek feathers all fluffy,” Aziraphale said, watching as she yawned and tucked her head back for a nap. “And up until I saw her tuck her head under her wing, I didn’t think birds really did that. I thought it was just something in books.” He looked sheepish. “Of course, I also didn’t think they really talked, either.” 

__Freddie got off the phone about ten minutes later. “Darlings, I was right. There are only a few stars we have to look for!”_ _

__“What’s a few?” Brian took the sheet of paper, frowning at Freddie’s handwriting. “The Dog Star, the Fixed Star, The Star of Three, The Shepard’s Crook, The Horse in the Sky, The Dragon’s Star, The Star of Kadith, The Eye of----- what?”_ _

__“Yog-Sototh, darling,” Freddie replied._ _

__Brian looked at him for a moment, then back at the paper. “The Necromancer’s Star and the Three-Lobed Star? This is going to help like all get out.” He rolled his eyes._ _

__Freddie pouted. “I didn’t write it, darling. I just quoted it.”_ _

__“Quoted what?” Brian said, bewildered._ _

__“The Third Book of Ozmid, dear,” Freddie replied. “It refers to part of the Necronomicon.”_ _

__Maddy, meanwhile, was finishing up. “The circle is open, but----” She broke off with a squeak. “What the heck?”_ _

__The others looked. Freddie let out a startled cry of his own. “It---it really does turn blue, dears----”_ _

__The athame’s blade was glowing a faint but definite pale blue._ _

__“Lightsaber…” Brian said._ _

__“More like the angel Aziraphale’s flaming sword,” Crowley said, looking at their own Aziraphale, who had indeed been named for the angel who gave the flaming sword away to Adam and Eve – then turned around and lied about losing it to God Herself._ _

__“Maddy, hadn’t you better put it down?” Tianna said nervously._ _

__Maddy shook her head. “It’s not dangerous. At least not to us. But it’s reacting to something. Freddie wasn’t too far off with his orc joke.” She swept the athame around in a cautious circle. “It’s not anything close by. But something’s around here that shouldn’t be.” She looked at the blade. “Darn. I wish I knew who bought that Necronomicon.”_ _

__~*~_ _

__The next afternoon, Freddie was sitting on a bench in a small park near his building with Jada’s pram when Maddy and Aziraphale joined him. They had just left the office about ten minutes earlier._ _

__“Where’s Crowley?” Aziraphale said._ _

__“Dropping off an aspidistra at your flat, dear,” Freddie said. “He’s been Facebook Marketplacing again.”_ _

__“What’s an aspidistra?” Aziraphale was coming up with several possibilities, all suggesting the kind of adult toys his Aunt Tracy sold._ _

__“Cast-iron plant,” Maddy said. “In other words, he’s sneaking in another plant. Or trying to.”_ _

__“He bought a metal plant?” Aziraphale was even more confused._ _

__“It’s just called that, Zira dear, because supposedly you can’t kill them,” Freddie said with an affectionate laugh, then looked at Maddy. “Dear? Could I ask you a rather --- odd ---- question?”_ _

__“Sure,” she replied._ _

__He looked at his white clogs (he and Brian shared the same taste in shoes, apparently.) “Dear, well --- I was wondering, speaking of love spells --- I mean, not one to make someone love you, I know you aren’t supposed to do that, but----” He actually blushed. It was really quite charming._ _

__“You want something to set the right mood?” she said._ _

__“That’s exactly it, dear!” He looked relieved. “Do you know of anything?”_ _

__“Come on,” she said. “They have some great stuff at Mystic Grove. Their Aphrodite Incense is the best.” Somehow, this was one subject she’d never imagined she’d be advising Freddie Mercury on, but she supposed even good old fashioned lover boys needed to keep their skills current._ _

__“Aphrodite Incense?” He smiled. “Will that work?”_ _

__She gave him a mischievous look. “You should see what it does to Brian.”_ _

__~*~_ _

__“Mmmmm, darling, this is divine! And we haven’t even lit it yet!” Freddie was exclaiming, sniffing at a pink incense cone._ _

__“It’s sandalwood, gardenia, jasmine, white rose and passion flower, with a little bit of muskflower thrown in for good measure,” Deana said, smiling. She took a sample cone and lit it, blowing out the flame. A deliciously exotic scent wafted through the store._ _

__“Perfect!” Freddie picked out a 20-pack of cones._ _

__“Here.” Maddy handed him a pretty pink stone bowl shaped like a lotus bud. “It’s the same burner I use. Just fill it partway with salt.”_ _

__Freddie smiled. He’d already picked out some other items as well. “Darlings, this is wonderful!”_ _

__Crowley had joined them by then and was standing nearby with an arm around Aziraphale, who was leaning against his shoulder._ _

__“You okay, angel?” he murmured, kissing the top of Aziraphale’s head._ _

__“Long day,” Aziraphale said, looking up. “Carla’s been running me up the wall. I wish there was a spell to shut her up.”_ _

__“Dieffenbachia leaf in her salad should do it,” Crowley deadpanned._ _

__“You’re really giving the _other_ Crowley a run for that “Wickedest Man on Earth” title, aren’t you?” Maddy said, looking around with a laugh. _ _

__“I was going to swap her Chapstick out with my glue stick,” Aziraphale admitted._ _

__Deana laughed. “At least you’re looking for normal stuff. Maddy here might need to have a serious talk with her weird cousin.”_ _

__Maddy looked around from the bags of potpourri she was perusing. “Why? What did he do this time?”_ _

__“He was in here earlier today looking for stuff you don’t want to be messing with,” Deana replied, shaking her head. “Belladonna, black and white hellbore, gum bdellum, which isn’t dangerous but hasn’t been available for who knows how long----”_ _

__Maddy’s eyes went wide. “God and Goddess! What was he trying to do?”_ _

__“He tried to tell me it was a love incense from the Kama Sutra,” Deana said, rolling her eyes. “ Wait. I wrote all that stuff down. Hold on.” She went to the counter, opened the register and retrieved a piece of paper from under the cash drawer. “Belladonna, euphorbium, roots of both hellbores, mistletoe, gum asatraxaca, gum bdellum, sulfur, lodestone, brain of a bat or blood of a cat---” She made a face. “Personally, I prefer tragathum gum for binding stuff together.”_ _

__Freddie made a face. “And he got that from the Kama Sutra?”_ _

__“I doubt it.” Deana shook her head. “This stuff would kill you, never mind how it smelled. It sound more like a banishing incense.”_ _

__Crowley smiled wryly. “I’ll stick with sage for banishing negative influences. Not to mention Aziraphale.”_ _

__Deana and Freddie both looked around. “Aziraphale!?”_ _

__Crowley looked sheepish. “That one time I used the “Instant Karma” incense, Zira started sneezing so badly that he had to go outside until it cleared. I think the sage got to him.” Luckily, the “boyfriend-banishing incense” had turned into one of their private jokes._ _

__They looked around as the door chimes jangled. It turned out to be Brian and Roger._ _

__“Maddy, great! Just the person I wanted to see!” the drummer exclaimed, running over to her. Brian followed, trying to walk lightly across the wood plank floor with his clogs, to no avail.  
“I need some kind of a love potion or something!”_ _

__“Having trouble running the flagpole up to see who salutes it, dear?” Freddie inquired blandly._ _

__Roger gave him a dirty look complete with pointed finger. “You are such a twat.”_ _

__“What do you need a love potion for?” Maddy said. “And FYI, it’s Samhain, not Valentine’s Day.” She started to add, “and since when am _I_ the expert?” but decided not to._ _

__“Never mind what day it is. I finally talked Pinky Torrance into talking that nutcase Trevor into recording their next album over here. Now I have to figure out how to get her to stay here for good,” he said._ _

__Crowley looked at Maddy and Freddie. “Isn’t he cute? Puppy love.”_ _

__“Fuck off, Crowley,” Roger snarled good-naturedly._ _

__“Come along, dear. I know just the thing---” Freddie led the drummer off, an arm around his shoulders._ _

__Brian shook his head with a laugh and kissed Maddy softly on the mouth. “Hey, pretty baby, what’s up?”_ _

__“That’s what I’d like to know,” she replied, showing him the list Deana had given her. “Get a load of Carlton’s shopping list.”_ _

__“Eeeew,” he said, reading it. “What’s that supposed to do?”_ _

__“He tried to say it was a love incense from the Kama Sutra or something,” Maddy said._ _

__“Looks more like an ancient formula for getting rid of cockroaches,” Brian said._ _

__Maddy laughed, then sobered. “I think I need to talk to him.”_ _

___~*~_  
`  
Carlton wasn’t at Bodowin Park when they went back by, so Maddy tried to call his apartment, but with no success. 

__“PAAAAAR - ARARARARRR - ARARARARRR - ARRRRRATYYYY! You have partied your way to Party Hearty Central and this is Partyman partying hearty! Partyman’s partying him too hearty to party his way to the phone, so party your party-hearty message at the partying beep and Partyman will party you back party-hearty soon! PAAAR - ARARARRRR - ARARARARARRRR - ARRRRRATYYYYYYYY!”_ _

__“Wasn’t home?” Brian said as she put the phone down without partying a party-hearty message at the partying beep._ _

__“Or wasn’t picking up,” Maddy sighed. Brian went over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders._ _

__“Love, you’re all tied up in knots,” he said, working his fingers into her shoulders._ _

__She turned around and leaned against him. “Just hold me, please.”_ _

__He led her back over to the sofa and sat down. They ended up in a long kiss....._ _

__~*~_ _

__Meanwhile, across town:_ _

__“Puhnugli meglanaff Cthulhu Relya waganagal fuhtaggan ---- puhnugli meglanaff Cthulhu Relya waganagal fuhtaggan---- puhnugli meglanaff Cthulhu Relya waganagal fuhtaggan---- puhnugli meglanaff Cthulhu Relya waganagal fuhtaggan----”_ _

__~*~_ _

__“Brian, wait!” Maddy exclaimed, pushing the amorous guitarist off a bit. “What’s going on?!”_ _

__“What do you mean, love?” Brian was alarmed rather than annoyed. Maddy had frozen, eyes wide, listening. Brian started to say that he couldn’t hear anything, but before he could speak, Harvey, who’d been foraging in his bowl, sat straight up, ears pricked and eyes wide, then made a noise almost like a cat hissing and fled back to his bed, burrowing under the shavings. At the same time, the budgie across the room stopped banging her toys around and froze, listening as well, feathers slowly ruffling._ _

__“What is that?!” Maddy exclaimed._ _

__“What’s---” Brian could hear it now, too, a rumbling noise like a very low jet - except it sounded like it was coming from below rather than above. And it wasn’t quite a rumble, it was more like words, or an approximation thereof ---- Cthulhu fhtagn --- Cthulhu fhtagn ---- Cthulhu fhtagn ----- Cthulhu fhtagn....... It went on for almost two minutes before it slowly died away._ _

__Brian looked at Maddy in the aftermath, shaking, his green-flecked eyes wide with fear. “What was that? It sounded like the--the voice in my nightmare---”_ _

__Maddy didn’t reply for a moment. Across the room the budgie was chattering and fussing angrily._ _

__“I have to call Freddie,” she said at last, her voice shaky as well. “See if he can bring that book over. Darn it, I wish I knew who bought that Necronomicon!” She ran for the phone._ _

__~*~_ _

__Across town:_ _

__“Yes! I did it! I did – something! PAAR -ARARAR – ARARA – ARRRRRRATY!!!!!”_ _

__~*~_ _

__Over at Aziraphale and Crowley’s flat...._ _

__“Are you ready, dove?”_ _

__“Whenever you are, angel---”_ _

__A pause, some fumbling, then-----_ _

__“It -- it isn’t going to fit…” Crowley said, bewildered._ _

__“It did before. Where are you…OW!!?”_ _

__“Oh shit, angel, you okay?!”_ _

__“Yeah. Sorry…” Aziraphale looked sheepishly at him, the two fingers he’d just accidently squished under their new printer/fax/scanner/copier in his mouth. They were setting it on a newly-purchased computer desk._ _

__“Poor baby,” Crowley said, kissing his nose._ _

__Aziraphale was feeling around the back of the printer for the USB port. “Is this where this goes?”_ _

__Crowley looked. “Wrong hole. You can’t plug a male cable into a male port. It just won’t go.”_ _

__“Isn’t that what we do on an almost nightly basis?” Aziraphale couldn’t resist._ _

__“Aziraphale, my darling, my angel, love of my life, there is no such thing as a gay computer,” Crowley said with a laugh, taking the cable from him and plugging it in. “And crap, I just realized something. That – whatever – that Deana was talking about sounds like something in those papers my uncle faxed over. There was some kind of summoning incense mentioned --- hang on!” He ran to fetch the copy he’d made from the bedroom. It took a moment of shuffling through papers. “Here `tis. And it’s nasty. Belladonna, euphorbium, roots of both hellbores, mistletoe, gum asatraxaca, gum bdellum, sulpher, lodestone, brain of a bat or blood of a cat---” He made a face, then looked at the next page. “Shit! Oh balls, Brian is going to be so pissed at me!”_ _

__“Why?” Aziraphale came over to look._ _

__“We had the answer about those weird stars all along!” Crowley read it off. “The Fixed Star is Polaris, the Dog Star is Sirius, the Three-Lobed Star is actually Saturn, the Dragon’s Star is Mars, the Eye of Yog-Sototh is Jupiter - must be the Great Red Spot - the Star of Three is the Belt of Orion, the Horse in the Sky is the Horsehead Nebula, the Necromancer’s Star is -- it’s either Venus or Mercury, they’re not sure which -- and the Shepard’s Crook is the Southern Cross!”_ _

__“We have to---” Aziraphale started, then looked around as an amber-eyed Russian Blue cat strolled over and twined around his legs, purring. He started to pick her up, but as he reached down, Mehitibel backed off with a hiss, fur bristling and ears flattening._ _

__“Mehitibel---?” Aziraphale started, then looked up. “What’s that?!”_ _

__“What’s--?” Crowley broke off, thinking for a moment that a jet going overhead was about to crash, then realizing, “That’s what I keep hearing in that dream!”_ _

__Aziraphale pressed against him, shaking, as Mehitibel hid under the sofa. Crowley hugged him tight, hiding his face in his angel’s soft white-blond ruff of curls._ _

__“Okay, this proves I’m not crazy,” he said shakily after the strange rumbling voices had faded away. “Something is going on.”_ _

__“But what?” Aziraphale demanded, still shaking._ _

__“Bloody good question--” Crowley said as Aziraphale’s cellphone rang. He picked it up off the counter, being closer. “Hey Mad.”_ _

__“How did you know it was me?” It was, of course, Maddy._ _

__“Did you hear that?”_ _

__“How could I miss it?” she said wryly. “I think I need to take a look at that book Freddie had.”_ _

__“I think so, too,” he said. “But I think we have the answer to our other question. I found the names of those stars.”_ _

__“You what?!” Maddy looked around at Brian. “Bri, Crowley found out what all those stars are!”_ _

__“Tell him we’ll be over,” Brian decided._ _

__~*~_ _

__Half an hour later, Brian had the star charts spread out across Crowley and Aziraphale’s living room floor._ _

__“Okay, now Jupiter---” Tianna was saying._ _

__“Hold it---” Crowley put his hand over a curious paw about to knock one of his place markers - actually a Scrabble tile -- across the room. “Don’t even think about it.”_ _

__Mehitibel did an even worse job of feigning innocence than Freddie usually did, but contented herself with swatting at Crowley’s hand instead. As he did, Freddie came in bearing a tray._ _

__“Tea, darlings!” he announced. He’d insisted on doing it himself, tossing Aziraphale out of the kitchen altogether._ _

__“Thanks, Farroukh,” Tianna took a cup, sipped at it - and did a wonderful spit take. “Damn, Freddie, this tastes like water. How many tea bags did you use?”_ _

__“It is a bit weak---” Aziraphale agreed, trying to put it as politely as he could._ _

__Brian peered into his cup. “Freddie, did you even put a tea bag in this?”_ _

__“Of course I did, darling! What do you think I am, stu----” Freddie broke off as he realized he might have forgotten something after all. “Or did I?”_ _

__Tianna burst out laughing. “You are such a nincompoop.”_ _

__Freddie pouted briefly, then looked over Brian’s shoulder. “Did you find anything out?”_ _

__Brian nodded. “Yeah. That was it. They all line up. Or they will. Tomorrow night at 11:23 everything will be in line.”_ _

__Maddy went pale. “That’s Samhain.” Tomorrow..._ _

__In other words, Halloween....._ _

__~*~_ _

__Halloween morning dawned clear and bright, but by the time Maddy got to the office the sky was starting to skim over with a dull white veil of clouds. Radio One was threatening a North Sea storm for that evening - exactly what they didn't need. More energy to play with was not good._ _

__“Did you feel that earthquake last night?” Newt, their computer tech, said, looking around from replacing the toner cartridge in the Ricoh as Maddy returned from the breakroom with a mug of tea that she’d made after considering a fourth cup of coffee._ _

__“I think we all did.” Aziraphale was on his third mug of cocoa._ _

__“They were saying gas line explosion on the news, but Ana thought she heard voices in it,” Newt said._ _

__“Thought, nothing. I know I did,” Ana said, coming in._ _

__As Maddy hesitated, wondering just how much she should tell them, Vikki came in._ _

__“Maddy, your cousin’s weird,” she said._ _

__“How so?” Maddy looked around._ _

__"He wants me to come over to St. James Park tonight because he said he had this Spooky Day Party Sense something or other for me. Do you have any idea what he's on about?"_ _

__“Sense is the one thing he doesn’t have, partying or otherwise…” Maddy started, but Aziraphale interrupted her with something that was supposed to be a word, but came out as a high-pitched squeaking sound._ _

__“Zira, you okay?” Maddy looked at him, concerned._ _

__“Party sense? Like incense?” He was thinking of Carlton’s annoying habit of putting “party” in words that “party” never should have been in. “Like in all that stuff he bought?”_ _

__“Oh crap, you’re right!” Maddy looked at him._ _

__“Incense?” Ana said. “And what did he buy?”_ _

__"He said bought this really old book that's called like the Nekkid --something and he was like doing this old spell out of it and all and he wants me to come see it…” Vikki shrugged._ _

__"Vikki, is the name of the book the Necronomicon?" Aziraphale interrupted._ _

__"I don't like know. He said it like meant the Nekkid Book " Vikki trailed off, confused._ _

__"Oh my Goddess…." Maddy said. "Vikki, where is he? Is he at work?"_ _

__"I think so. I haven’t like talked to him since last night," Vikki said, still bewildered._ _

__Maddy said something that sounded like _shitfuckpiss_ under her breath and hit the speaker button on her phone, dialing a number they had long memorized for lunch orders._ _

__"Royal Fish & Chips."_ _

__"Is Carlton Norman there? This is his cousin Maddy."_ _

__"Just a moment." The voice turned from the phone. "Hey, stupid! No, not you, the stupid Yank! Yeah, tell the idiot his cousin's on the phone!" A pause, then, "Beats me. I think she should have her DNA checked to see if she really is his cousin."_ _

__A second later, the phone was scooped up. "PAAR- ARARAR -ARARAR - ARRRRATYYYYY! This is Party Hearty Central, and this is Partyman partying hearty!"_ _

__"Carlton, it's Maddy. Did you buy that copy of the Necronomicon from Mystic Grove?"_ _

__Ana looked at Aziraphale and mouthed _Necronomicon!?__ _

__"Ye- uh, did I what? No, no, Partyman don't be a-buying him no spooky books, no way no how no siree Bob!" Carlton declared._ _

__"No siree Bob?" Maddy frowned. "Carlton, I'm serious. That book is dangerous. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble with it."_ _

__"Partyman didn't a-buy him no spooky book, Mads. Partyman don't a-know what you're a-partying about!" Carlton replied, too quickly. "Partyman gotta party on!" He hung up the phone before Maddy could speak._ _

__“Oh dear…” Aziraphale said in the aftermath._ _

__~*~_ _

__Maddy went by the fish and chips at lunch, hoping to confront Carlton, but his boss told her that he had already left for the day. Back at the office, she tried to call him, but nobody picked up._ _

__About four, Maddy was just putting the phone down from another attempt to call Carlton when Crowley came in._ _

__"Hey, angel," he said, embracing his angel, who was at the Ricoh waiting for a fax to go through, from behind._ _

__"Dove, we're in trouble!" Aziraphale exclaimed, grabbing at the lapels of his coat. "Carlton has the Necronomicon!"_ _

__"What? Wait, hold on, love---" He gently took him by the shoulders. "How do you know? Are you sure?"_ _

__"I'm sure." Briefly, Aziraphale related what Vikki had told them. "Maddy called him and he denied it, but he was lying. He hung up on her and now we can't get in touch with him at all."_ _

__Crowley had gone quite pale. He looked at them, one hand over his mouth. "What are we going to do?"_ _

__"I don't know," Aziraphale said, leaning against him. "And I'm scared."_ _

__Crowley hugged him tighter. "I thought of something today, love. The universe is still expanding. There's no way those stars and planets can come back to the same exact positions."_ _

__Maddy shook her head. "That doesn't mean anything. If they're close enough, and the power's there, it'll work."_ _

__"Especially if some yob is trying to summon them," Ana said nervously, in a tone halfway between a statement and a question. "Now I'm scared."_ _

__"Come on. We have to find Freddie and Tianna," Maddy said, taking a deep breath and regaining her composure._ _

__“Is it okay if I come with you?” Ana said._ _

__“I wish you would.” Maddy looked at her._ _

__~*~_ _

__"How about this one, darling?" Freddie was saying later. They were over at the Mercurys' flat. Tianna was looking through the sheaf of papers her father had faxed, trying to call up half-remembered voodoo rituals, banishing spells. Maddy was leafing through a book she'd brought along. Freddie had a three-ring notebook open in his lap - Maddy's own Book of Shadows, a handwritten compendium of spells, notes and rituals. Ana had fetched hers, along with a couple of other books._ _

__"Which one?" Maddy looked around._ _

__"Your Earth Day Spell." He struck a dramatic pose to read, "Oh great Glob, Protector of Earth---"_ _

__"Ghob!" Maddy interrupted as Aziraphale broke into a slightly hysterical giggling fit._ _

__"Pardon?" Freddie looked at her._ _

__"Like globe, only without the L," she sighed._ _

__He looked back at the book. "Dear, are you sure? It really does look like Glob."_ _

__She rolled her eyes. "My handwriting is not that bad!"_ _

__"Dear, your handwriting is exquisite. It's a thing beyond beauty," Freddie told her. "It's just bloody near impossible to read is all." It wasn't her fault that her writing had more extemporaneous loops, swirls and curlicues than her hair._ _

__She went to look over his shoulder as he continued reading, silently this time._ _

__"You think so?" she said after a moment._ _

__"Well, it's a protective spell," he pointed out._ _

__"Yeah, but not that kind of protective. I more had bulldozers in mind," she pointed out._ _

__"Bulldozers, weird outer space thingies, what's the difference?" Freddie said._ _

__“You don’t have anything in any of your other books?” Crowley said._ _

__Maddy looked something between sheepish, guilty and distressed. “I’m a total fluff-bunny, crystal-wearing, tree-hugging, Scott Cunningham-reading witch, not a real one like say, Ana. This is way beyond my level of expertise.”_ _

__“Mad, stop. All you have to be is dedicated to the Craft. Which you are,” Ana said. “Don’t put yourself down.” She looked back at her own Book of Shadows. “I’m afraid I don’t have much of anything, either.”_ _

"Uh, guys?" That was Newt. "At the risk of having Ana or Maddy hit me over the head with some large object, why are we assuming that any of this stuff is real?" 

As he spoke, a gust of wind hit the building, making it shiver despite its bulk. They all looked up, startled. Seconds later, the lights went out. 

"Bugger---" Crowley said nervously in the aftermath, then let out a startled cry as a bluish light filled the room. Maddy had taken out the athame Freddie had bought for her - which was now glowing a brilliant silver-blue. 

It answered Newt's question far more eloquently than anything anyone could have said. 

~*~ 

"Yeah! Party on! Partyman rocks!" Carlton enthused. This spell stuff rocked! He was down in a deserted corner of St. James’ Park, waiting for Vikki, who he was certain would arrive any second, summoned by his love spell. He'd never seen any of Maddy's girly-girl spells put the lights out and make the wind blow! He threw some more Partycense into the Partybowl. This partied ass! He started chanting: _"Pugliah neglian donoro Yog-Sototh, pugliah neglian donoro Yog-Sototh, pugliah neglian donoro Yog-Sototh--"_

~*~ 

"What the flying fuck is going on?!" Tianna demanded shakily. 

Maddy had grabbed the phone, but the line was dead. Not even static. 

Brian was looking out the window. "All of London is out of lights, I think." 

"Power cut?" Freddie wondered. "On Halloween?" 

“St. James’ Park!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “Didn’t Carlton say something about St. James’ Park?! 

“Is it even safe to go out?” Crowley said. 

“I don’t think we have a choice,” Maddy said grimly. "Come on!" She headed for the door. 

The others followed her, after Tianna ran to grab Jada. Opal was at a friend's house attending a Halloween party. Tianna would just have to hope she was safe. 

~*~ 

The streets were deserted, lit only by the headlights of Crowley’s Bentley and Newt’s little Dick Turpin. No cars, no buses, no pedestrians – nothing. 

St. James’ Park seemed deserted at first glance, but there was an orange glow over near the duck pond. 

“What is that?” Crowley said, getting out. 

Freddie came to look. "It's a campfire, dear. Some idiot lit a campfire -and it looks like they're dancing around it." He frowned. "Actually, it looks like they're dancing around it in the altogether, if you know what I mean. " 

"Guys, that's Carlton!" Maddy exclaimed. 

"Are you---?" Freddie broke off when he saw Carlton in the reflected glow of the incense bowl. It was more aflame than smoldering because he had no idea that you had to burn noncombustible incense over a special type of charcoal. "Good Lord, what is that idiot doing?!" 

"Carlton!" Maddy yelled, running into the park. "Carlton, what are you doing?!" 

"Maddy, look out!" Brian yelled, catching up and grabbing awkwardly at her. He was so much taller than she that he wound up knocking her to the ground by accident. 

"What is ---" She looked the way he was pointing and froze. Something was sweeping over the tops of the buildings - a huge black shadow, darker against the dark, with a shape like a manta ray -and a huge, glowing, deep ruby three-lobed eye. 

Carlton's triumphant Partyman Yell was cut off mid-party. 

"It's coming right at us---" Brian whispered shakily. 

"Maddy, the athame!" Ana yelled. "He's afraid of the light!" 

Maddy scrambled to her feet, pulling the athame out of her coat pocket with a flourish and holding it in front of her with both hands. The brilliant glow from the blade lit up the entire park. 

Freddie had run across the street by then; he grabbed the athame from her and brandished it at the shadow, yelling something at it in Persian. The dusky behemoth swept over them and vanished. 

"What the fuck was that thing?!" Brian demanded shakily in the aftermath. "And what did you just do?" 

"That was Yog-Sototh, darling. Like the star---" Freddie had started shaking so much he'd dropped the athame. "I banished him, but that's not to say he won't be back." He looked at them. "According to Ozmid, Yog-Sototh kills his summoner. I'd hate to be the person who did it " The singer was far too pale. 

"W-wait a minute, Fred---" Carlton quavered. "K-kills---?" 

Maddy glared at her cousin. "I told you that book was dangerous. Carlton, when are you going to grow up enough to learn to listen to people?!" 

An unpleasantly scented curl of smoke wafted around them and Freddie made a face. "What is that?" 

"That's the Partying Partycense," Carlton said. "To make spookies appear." He was recovering a bit of his usual attitude. "Bet you never a-did you nothing like this, huh, Mads?" 

"And I'll bet I never wanted to," she added. "Carlton, do you have any idea what you’re doing?!" 

“Exactly!” Freddie glared at Carlton, who was looking up anxiously at the sky. "I think you owe us a very detailed explanation, dear." 

"Starting right now," Newt added, then let out a startled squeak as Tianna deposited Jada in his arms. "Here. Hold the squirt." 

"Tigi---" he started, but she had gone over and retrived the black-bound book from the ground nearby. 

"Is this it?" she said, then looked at Carlton. “And for fuck’s sake, put something on.” 

Maddy took the book. It was, as she suspected, the John Dee copy of the Necronomicon. "Carlton, what in the world did you ever buy this for?" 

"You always do that spooky spell stuff and all---" Carlton tried. 

"Yes, but unlike you, Maddy actually knows what she's doing," Freddie interrupted. 

"I didn't think any of it was real!" Carlton cried. "I thought ---thought it---" 

"Would be a neat way to get some Halloween nookie," Tianna put in. 

Carlton looked miserable, but didn't deny it. 

"Darlings?" Freddie had Jada in his arms by then, looking around nervously. "Is it just me or is everything, well ---too quiet?" 

Newt looked around. "The lights are out. What do you expect?" 

"Yes, but----" Freddie looked at him, dark eyes frightened. "I can't _see_ anything." 

"That's because the lights---" Crowley started, but trailed off, realizing what Freddie meant. They should have been able to at least see the outlines of the buildings, but he couldn't. The noxious Partycense had flamed itself out by then; the only light came from Maddy's athame, which had brightened slightly - not a good sign. There also wasn't a sound. No vehicles, no voices, not a whisper of wind. <

Aziraphale pressed against Crowley and hid his face against his fiancé’s shoulder. 

"Guys---" Maddy whispered. The athame had slowly intensified to an incandescent blue, bright enough to cast a wide circle of light. She held it up, trying to illuminate the surrounding area, but as she did, the ground shivered ominously. A moment later, it heaved with a force that knocked her off her feet, sending the athame skittering across the grass. Aziraphale grabbed it and held it up as Brian pulled her back to the relative safety of the footpath. 

“What the…” Crowley started, before a second heave sent them all sprawling. 

Aziraphale scrambled back to his feet, still holding the athame. He wasn’t exactly threatening anything, just trying to show that he could do dangerous, out-of-character things if he absolutely needed to. 

A sharp, unpleasantly fishy but not-fishy tang filled the air, making Tianna sneeze several times. 

"Guys…” Maddy took a step back as the water started roiling in the nearby duck pond. 

“Oh shit..” Crowley said. 

“What is it?” Aziraphale said. 

“It’s Cthulhu. And it’s probably personal…” Crowley looked at him. “We are _fucked…_." 

“Nice knowing you guys…” Maddy deadpanned. 

A huge, greenish form erupted from the pond, something massive with tentacles, scaly wings, long claws-- 

"Cthulhu!" Tianna yelled. Freddie grabbed her arm and made a run for it, almost pulling her off her feet before she got her legs under herself and followed. Carlton let out a squeak as the behemoth towered over them. He turned and ran, barging into Maddy, knocking her into Aziraphale, who lost his balance and tripped over Crowley, sending the three of them to the ground all tangled up together. 

The tentacled behemoth cocked its head at the commotion below, then reached down - and offered Aziraphale, who was closest, a hand - claw, really - up. 

"Thank you," it rumbled. "You have freed me and my brethren." 

"You're welcome, but I don't know if it was me or not---" Aziraphale said, looking both startled and rather sheepish "By the way, who are you, exactly?" 

The others were impressed. Crowley was sure he would have fainted. He almost had as it was. 

"I am Cthulhu," the huge creature rumbled. "My brethern and I are of a race far older then any of Earth, more ancient than your recorded time. Many of your millenia ago, we inhabited a world much like yours was in its youth, a world of great oceans and rich, fertile land, but the sun that gave our world life was not stable, and a chain reaction within it caused it to destroy itself, taking our home along with it. We were fortunate in that some of us were able to escape through the aether of deep space, searching until we found this world, so much like our own. For great aeons, we lived in peace and harmony, but a shift in the stars imprisoned us here, plunging us into a sleep like death that could not be broken until the stars moved to their right places again. During our sleep, the race of man arose, and we saw this world was no longer to be ours. Yet we could not break the sleep that held us. Now you have freed us, and we may go on to find a new home in the cosmos. Yet we shall guard over this planet always, and see that no harm shall come to you or yours, and in the far distant future, when the star that provides you with life reaches its end, we shall be there to help your kind find its new destiny among the stars. We shall meet again - perhaps in the crystal depths of the oceans of Bellemar, perhaps in the mystical forests of Zarvos, perhaps tonight amid the wind beings who inhabit the planet nearest the star you name Alpha Centauri. Until then---" The creature lifted its arms, its form shimmering - then rocketed up into the fathomless sky in a shower of brilliant green sparks that faded out before they touched the ground. 

"Wow---" Brian said in the aftermath. "Pretty decent bloke after all, wasn't he?" 

Maddy nodded, then shook her head. "Imagine ol' Carlton doing something right for a change." 

Freddie and Tianna had come back over as well. 

I love a happy ending, darlings!" Freddie said, looking around as Carlton came back over. 

Crowley smiled, taking Aziraphale's free hand. "Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose…" 

"YOG-SOTOTH!" Freddie yelled. 

They looked around in time to see the huge shadow sweeping at them again, three-lobed eye gleaming. 

"Oh _fuck!_ ” Aziraphale held the athame up, but the light didn't seem to be deterring it this time. With a high scream, the shadow swept over them, then back at Carlton, ready for the kill--- 

A brilliant green bolt exploded from the athame, blasting the looming shadow. With a shriek, Yog-Sototh withered, dissolving into nothingness -just as all the lights blazed back on. All at once, London was bustling with life, cars and people and costumed children -it was Halloween, after all - just as always. Carlton let out a startled yell and grabbed his coat, wrapping it around himself like a bath towel and running for his flat. 

Crowley shook his head, laughing. "Come on, angel, let's get out of here." 

"Indeed," Freddie said, taking Tianna's hand as they started for home. 

Aziraphale handed Maddy the athame, then looked back up at the sky. "Thank you." 

Overhead, a brilliant greenish star winked in return, then blazed off across the sky. 

**Author's Note:**

> Maddy's athame was partially inspired by Bilbo Baggins' little dagger and partly by Aziraphale's flaming sword. The first _Lord of the Rings_ movie was about to come out and I was in the middle of reading _Good Omens_ for the first time when I wrote the original story. 
> 
> Freddie Mercury really did collect stamps, BTW.
> 
> And like Maddy, I too am a tree-hugging, crystal-wearing fluff-bunny witch.


End file.
